LET MY SPIRIT RUN FREE by Hourig Deldelian

“Let my spirit run free”

It’s a dangerous statement, a strange statement; some may look at it and not understand. They are either not that lost or don’t know that they are or one of the few, blessed, who are running free.

I try to make it make sense, put into words what I feel. Express my feelings, my sense of loss, this suffocation, the emptiness in my heart, but it’s hard, impossible, to explain how it all feels.

I know I will sound mad to most if I tell them I don’t believe this is all there is to life, this existence we have; running to jobs, raising children, keeping a house, a bank account, education, prayer and all the other ways we choose to live life…That I believe there is something more, and it’s powerful, and we won’t be fulfilled without it, will not know happiness without it, peace, and yet I have no clue, none, what it is.

That I am looking for the invisible, the complicated, the hidden, the figment of my imagination, the dream, the mirage, it can be any of these things… it frightens me to think this way, I try to feel happy with all the blessings in my life, but none of it is ever complete, there is always an important missing piece. Something, once found, there will be Peace… peace of the soul… peace of the heart… peace of the mind… then… I will be complete. The creation that God meant for me to be…

I do believe that we knew it once, this secret, but we lost it along the years. Life is a journey and I feel I am wasting mine, living it as I do, half a woman, half a heart, half a soul.

I will keep searching, for what I don’t know. Will I find it, I don’t know. Is it even there, I don’t know. But I do know that this is not enough and I need to look for something more…

There is somewhere an ancient road, where people have found themselves, found the secret, the hope… it’s a pilgrimage, an old tradition for those who have gotten lost… perhaps on this road I will find, what I am quite sure is waiting for me… waiting faithfully for anyone who seeks it…

What a scary feeling, living in the hope of something, looking for something, waiting for something… yet what it is? You don’t know… Does it exist? Maybe yes but then again maybe not…